I knew the moment I answered the phone that she was going to hurt herself.

She begged me to promise her that I would take care of her boys. When I refused to give her that escape, she sobbed with a guttural hopelessness that still echoes inside of my head.

I remember the sound of the gun going off.

I remember the sound of her last ragged breaths.

I remember the sound of my own screaming.

I don't know how my little sister survived that day, and quite honestly, I'm not sure that "survived" is the most fitting word for the magnitude of that experience.  It doesn't quite do justice to the extraordinary struggle she endured or the lingering impact it continues to have on her life.

The reality of loving someone with major depressive disorder is that they often seek relief in very desperate ways, and those choices inevitably cause collateral damage to those around them. For instance, some may turn to substance abuse—using drugs or alcohol as a means to numb their emotional pain. This often spirals into addiction, leading to financial ruin, legal troubles, and sometimes even violence, leaving loved ones to pick up the pieces of a life shattered by self-destruction.

Others might engage in self-isolation, retreating into themselves and pushing away the people who care about them the most. They may stop communicating, or worse, become verbally aggressive when approached, making it almost impossible for loved ones to offer support. This rejection can feel like a deep betrayal, creating emotional wounds that might never fully heal.

These coping mechanisms, while born from a desperate need to survive, often create a cycle of pain and misunderstanding. The very actions taken to escape suffering can unintentionally push loved ones away, leaving everyone involved struggling to navigate the fallout.

So what do you do when you are bleeding because of someone else’s choices?  Who are you going to choose to be when the fallout of someone else’s hell sets your life on fire?  Will you choose to leave them to face their darkest moments alone, or are you willing to stand beside them and create the supportive space necessary to empower them to take another step towards healing.  This is the crossroads we must face.

In her desperation to end the pain, my sister has made many unhealthy choices, and we’ve all dealt with the consequences of her coping mechanisms.  Some in our family have chosen to let bitterness dictate their actions, withdrawing in the name of “self-preservation” and justifying it with the idea that “forgiveness does not necessarily mean restoration.”

The truth and tragedy of their perspective breaks my heart into a thousand unrecognizable pieces.   It’s not that I don’t understand where they’re coming from—I absolutely do. Forgiveness and restoration are NOT synonymous. The concept of “consequences” is built into the structure of humanity; every action has a reaction, and sometimes those reactions leave scars that can’t be undone. But alongside this natural order of cause and effect, there exists the profound freedom to choose grace. This balance is what makes us truly human—capable of both justice AND mercy, strength AND compassion.

In this Tik-Tok world where self-care takes precedence over caring for others, choosing to stand in the gap and provide consistent, unconditional support is courageous.  It’s easy to justify stepping back by telling ourselves we’re practicing self-care, but true self-care doesn’t mean turning our backs on those who need us most. 

For someone struggling with clinical depression, the decision to protect your heart by distancing yourself often translates into abandonment.  It reinforces their feelings of worthlessness and isolation. The message they receive is that their illness makes them unworthy of love and support,  pushing them further into the darkness they’re trying so desperately to escape.

To truly support someone who is plagued with depression, we must look beyond our own pain and see the person we love behind this suffocating illness.  They are more than this moment.  The choices they have made while in this battle, are not indicative of who they were before and likewise, what they have done is not indicative of the potential of who they can become.  By standing with them, we affirm their worth and our belief in their ability to overcome their struggles. Educating ourselves about their condition helps us recognize that their actions are not a reflection of their love for us, but rather a desperate, intense need to escape unbearable suffering. That knowledge can transform our approach from one of judgment and resentment to one of support and compassion.

When you choose to stand with someone in the depths of their pain, you must be prepared for the reality that their focus is entirely on their own survival.  That being said, this does not mean sacrificing yourself.  It means recognizing your limits and setting healthy boundaries to protect yourself so that you can still be present for them in a meaningful way.  Here’s what that can look like:

1. Clearly Communicating Your Limits:

• Example: If your loved one frequently calls you late at night when you need rest, you might set a boundary by saying, “I’m here for you, but I need to get sleep to be at my best. Let’s talk earlier in the evening or in the morning.”
• Impact: This communicates that you care and are available to support them, but you also need to prioritize your own health to be effective in that role.

2. Defining What You Can and Cannot Do:

• Example: You might be willing to listen and offer emotional support, but you are not equipped to handle crises or provide professional-level care. You can set a boundary by saying, “I’m here to talk and support you, but I think it’s important for you to also work with a therapist who can give you the help I can’t.”    
• Impact:  Encouraging professional help is an essential boundary that provides a solid foundation for healing.  Therapy and medication, under the guidance of a licensed therapist, will provide the framework they need to rebuild their life and find a way to cope, to live, and most importantly, survive.  This not only helps them receive the best care possible but also takes some pressure off you as the sole source of support.   

3. Taking Time for Self-Care:

• Example: Dedicate time to activities that replenish your energy, such as exercise, hobbies, or spending time with friends. You can communicate this boundary by saying, “I’m going to take a few hours for myself to recharge, and then I’ll be available to talk.”
• Impact: This prevents you from becoming overwhelmed and helps you maintain the emotional resilience needed to support your loved one.

4. Not Enabling Harmful Behaviors:

• Example: It is equally important to recognize the difference between providing support and enabling destructive behaviors.  If your loved one is engaging in self-destructive behaviors, such as substance abuse, you might set a boundary by saying, “I care about you, but I can’t support you when you’re using drugs. I’m here to help you find treatment options, but I need to step back if you continue down this path.”
• Impact:  By acknowledging our personal limits and communicating them clearly, we can maintain our capacity to provide the support they need without losing ourselves in the process. This shows your support for their recovery while making it clear that you won’t participate in or enable behaviors that are harmful to them or yourself.

5. Managing Expectations:

• Example: Be honest about what you can offer. If you can’t be available 24/7, communicate that, such as by saying, “I might not always be able to answer right away, but I’ll check in with you every day.”
• Impact: This sets realistic expectations, helping your loved one understand your availability without feeling abandoned.

6. Seeking Support for Yourself:

• Example: Engage in therapy, support groups, or counseling for yourself, and communicate this as a boundary: “I’m getting support too because I want to make sure I’m strong enough to help you.”
• Impact: This models healthy behavior and ensures that you have a space to process your own emotions and challenges, so you can continue being a source of support.

7. Saying No When Necessary:

• Example: Sometimes, you may need to decline certain requests to protect your own mental health. You might say, “I can’t handle this right now, but I can help you find someone who can.”
• Impact: This protects your well-being and prevents resentment from building up, allowing you to maintain a healthier relationship in the long run.

8. Recognizing Burnout:

• Example: Pay attention to signs of burnout, such as feeling overly irritable, exhausted, or resentful. When you notice these signs, it’s crucial to reassess your boundaries and possibly reinforce them.
• Impact: Understand that boundaries might need to be adjusted over time. What you could handle in the beginning might change, and it’s okay to redefine what you can offer as circumstances evolve.

9. Remaining Compassionate and Present:

• Example: Even with boundaries, you can show empathy by saying, “I’m setting this boundary because I care about both of us, and I want to be able to support you for the long haul.”
• Impact: This reinforces that your boundaries are not about rejecting them, but about sustaining your ability to be there for them in a healthy, consistent way.

Ultimately, the choice to provide an unconditional space for someone battling depression is an act of unyielding love and courage.  It’s about recognizing that while mental illness may cloud their judgment and distort their reality, it does not define their worth. It’s about defying the instinct to retreat when faced with another's pain and choosing instead to hold the line, even when the weight feels unbearable.  This shift in perspective isn’t just about saving lives; it’s about honoring the humanity in each of us and extending the grace we’d hope to receive in our darkest moments.  Let us be the ones who, despite our own scars, refuse to abandon those who need us most. In doing so, we prove that, even in the deepest darkness, love is the most powerful force for healing.

Do you love a child who is struggling through feelings of loss, sadness or depression?  Children's Harbor, Inc offers FREE in-home counseling for families.  You do not have to go through this alone.  Call (954) 252-3072 or visit www.childrensharbor.org for help.  

If you or a loved one are thinking about suicide, dial 988 on your phone to reach the Suicide and Crisis Lifeline. Someone is available to help you 24/7.